Quotes by Mitch Hedberg

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

— Mitch Hedberg

Wisdom

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

— Mitch Hedberg

Wisdom

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

— Mitch Hedberg

Friendship

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

— Mitch Hedberg

Hope

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

— Mitch Hedberg

Wisdom

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

— Mitch Hedberg

Wisdom

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

— Mitch Hedberg

Wisdom

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

— Mitch Hedberg

Wisdom

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

— Mitch Hedberg

Wisdom

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

— Mitch Hedberg

Life

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

— Mitch Hedberg

Wisdom

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

— Mitch Hedberg

Wisdom

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

— Mitch Hedberg

Wisdom

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

— Mitch Hedberg

Wisdom

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

— Mitch Hedberg

Wisdom

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

— Mitch Hedberg

Success

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

— Mitch Hedberg

Wisdom

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

— Mitch Hedberg

Wisdom

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

— Mitch Hedberg

Wisdom

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

— Mitch Hedberg

Wisdom

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

— Mitch Hedberg

Wisdom

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

— Mitch Hedberg

Wisdom

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

— Mitch Hedberg

Life

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

— Mitch Hedberg

Wisdom