Quotes by Joan Rivers

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

— Joan Rivers

Happiness

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

— Joan Rivers

Success

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

— Joan Rivers

Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.

— Joan Rivers

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

— Joan Rivers

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

— Joan Rivers

Happiness

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

— Joan Rivers

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

— Joan Rivers

Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.

— Joan Rivers

Happiness

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

— Joan Rivers

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

— Joan Rivers

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

— Joan Rivers

Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.

— Joan Rivers

Love

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

— Joan Rivers

You've gotta understand - when you interview someone, it's not an interrogation. It's not the Nuremberg Trials.

— Joan Rivers

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

— Joan Rivers

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

— Joan Rivers

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

— Joan Rivers

Every television show you go on is a choice.

— Joan Rivers

As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything.

— Joan Rivers

Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.

— Joan Rivers

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

— Joan Rivers

I've learned from doing my own show with Fox that people are not your partners if they're signing the checks. Whoever signs your paycheck is the boss - no matter what they tell you.

— Joan Rivers

Education