Quotes by W. C. Fields

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

— W. C. Fields

Wisdom

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

— W. C. Fields

Wisdom

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

— W. C. Fields

Wisdom

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

— W. C. Fields

Happiness

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

— W. C. Fields

Wisdom

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

— W. C. Fields

Wisdom

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.

— W. C. Fields

Wisdom

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

— W. C. Fields

Wisdom

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.

— W. C. Fields

Wisdom

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

— W. C. Fields

Wisdom

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

— W. C. Fields

Life

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

— W. C. Fields

Wisdom

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

— W. C. Fields

Wisdom

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

— W. C. Fields

Wisdom

It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

— W. C. Fields

Wisdom

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

— W. C. Fields

Wisdom

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

— W. C. Fields

Wisdom

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

— W. C. Fields

Wisdom

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

— W. C. Fields

Wisdom

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.

— W. C. Fields

Love

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

— W. C. Fields

Wisdom

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

— W. C. Fields

Wisdom

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

— W. C. Fields

Wisdom

Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.

— W. C. Fields

Life