Quotes by Steven Wright

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

— Steven Wright

Wisdom

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

— Steven Wright

Friendship

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

— Steven Wright

Wisdom

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

— Steven Wright

Wisdom

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

— Steven Wright

Wisdom

What's another word for Thesaurus?

— Steven Wright

Wisdom

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

— Steven Wright

Wisdom

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

— Steven Wright

Wisdom

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'

— Steven Wright

Wisdom

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

— Steven Wright

Success

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

— Steven Wright

Happiness

I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.

— Steven Wright

Wisdom

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

— Steven Wright

Wisdom

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

— Steven Wright

Wisdom

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

— Steven Wright

Truth

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

— Steven Wright

Wisdom

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

— Steven Wright

Wisdom

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

— Steven Wright

Wisdom

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

— Steven Wright

Wisdom

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

— Steven Wright

Wisdom

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

— Steven Wright

Wisdom

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

— Steven Wright

Wisdom

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

— Steven Wright

Wisdom

I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.

— Steven Wright

Wisdom