Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Wisdom

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Truth

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Wisdom

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Wisdom

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Wisdom

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Wisdom

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Wisdom

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Wisdom

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Wisdom

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Wisdom

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Wisdom

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Wisdom

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Love

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Wisdom

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Truth

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Wisdom

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

— Rodney Dangerfield

Wisdom

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Wisdom

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Wisdom

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Wisdom

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Wisdom

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Wisdom

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Wisdom

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Wisdom