I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
Explore 25 verified and sourced quotes attributed to Rodney Dangerfield. Open any quote for its dedicated page, source details and related topics.
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Selected quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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