Quotes by Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

— Phyllis Diller

Happiness

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

— Phyllis Diller

Success

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

— Phyllis Diller

Wisdom

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

— Phyllis Diller

Wisdom

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

— Phyllis Diller

Happiness

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

— Phyllis Diller

Wisdom

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

— Phyllis Diller

Wisdom

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

— Phyllis Diller

Wisdom

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

— Phyllis Diller

Wisdom

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

— Phyllis Diller

Wisdom

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

— Phyllis Diller

Wisdom

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

— Phyllis Diller

Wisdom

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

— Phyllis Diller

Wisdom

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

— Phyllis Diller

Wisdom

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

— Phyllis Diller

Wisdom

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

— Phyllis Diller

Wisdom

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

— Phyllis Diller

Wisdom

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

— Phyllis Diller

Wisdom

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

— Phyllis Diller

Wisdom

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

— Phyllis Diller

Wisdom

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

— Phyllis Diller

Friendship

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

— Phyllis Diller

Wisdom

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

— Phyllis Diller

Wisdom

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

— Phyllis Diller

Wisdom