A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
AUTHOR QUOTES
Quotes by Phyllis Diller
Explore 25 verified and sourced quotes attributed to Phyllis Diller. Open any quote for its dedicated page, source details and related topics.
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Selected quotes by Phyllis Diller
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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