If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
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Quotes by Henny Youngman
Explore 25 verified and sourced quotes attributed to Henny Youngman. Open any quote for its dedicated page, source details and related topics.
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Selected quotes by Henny Youngman
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!
If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.
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