Quotes by Henny Youngman

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

— Henny Youngman

Wisdom

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

— Henny Youngman

Love

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

— Henny Youngman

Love

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

— Henny Youngman

Wisdom

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

— Henny Youngman

Wisdom

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

— Henny Youngman

Love

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

— Henny Youngman

Wisdom

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

— Henny Youngman

Wisdom

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

— Henny Youngman

Wisdom

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

— Henny Youngman

Wisdom

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

— Henny Youngman

Wisdom

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

— Henny Youngman

Wisdom

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

— Henny Youngman

Wisdom

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

— Henny Youngman

Wisdom

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

— Henny Youngman

Wisdom

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

— Henny Youngman

Love

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

— Henny Youngman

Wisdom

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

— Henny Youngman

Life

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

— Henny Youngman

Wisdom

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

— Henny Youngman

Wisdom

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

— Henny Youngman

Wisdom

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

— Henny Youngman

Wisdom

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

— Henny Youngman

Wisdom

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

— Henny Youngman

Life