Quotes by Groucho Marx

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

— Groucho Marx

Truth

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

— Groucho Marx

Wisdom

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

— Groucho Marx

Happiness

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

— Groucho Marx

Life

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

— Groucho Marx

Friendship

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

— Groucho Marx

Wisdom

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

— Groucho Marx

Wisdom

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

— Groucho Marx

Wisdom

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

— Groucho Marx

Wisdom

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

— Groucho Marx

Success

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.

— Groucho Marx

Education

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

— Groucho Marx

Wisdom

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

— Groucho Marx

Wisdom

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.

— Groucho Marx

Wisdom

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

— Groucho Marx

Wisdom

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

— Groucho Marx

Wisdom

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

— Groucho Marx

Wisdom

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

— Groucho Marx

Wisdom

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

— Groucho Marx

Wisdom

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

— Groucho Marx

Wisdom

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

— Groucho Marx

Wisdom

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

— Groucho Marx

Wisdom

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

— Groucho Marx

Wisdom

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

— Groucho Marx

Wisdom