Quotes by George Carlin

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

— George Carlin

Wisdom

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

— George Carlin

Wisdom

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

— George Carlin

Wisdom

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

— George Carlin

Wisdom

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

— George Carlin

Success

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

— George Carlin

Wisdom

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

— George Carlin

Wisdom

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

— George Carlin

Wisdom

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

— George Carlin

Wisdom

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

— George Carlin

Wisdom

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

— George Carlin

Wisdom

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

— George Carlin

Wisdom

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

— George Carlin

Wisdom

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

— George Carlin

Wisdom

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

— George Carlin

Success

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

— George Carlin

Wisdom

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

— George Carlin

Wisdom

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

— George Carlin

Wisdom

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

— George Carlin

Wisdom

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

— George Carlin

Wisdom

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

— George Carlin

Wisdom

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

— George Carlin

Hope

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

— George Carlin

Wisdom

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

— George Carlin

Wisdom