Quotes by Erma Bombeck

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

— Erma Bombeck

Hope

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.

— Erma Bombeck

Courage

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

— Erma Bombeck

Wisdom

For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.

— Erma Bombeck

Wisdom

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

— Erma Bombeck

Wisdom

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.

— Erma Bombeck

Hope

Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.

— Erma Bombeck

Wisdom

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.

— Erma Bombeck

Wisdom

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

— Erma Bombeck

Life

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids.

— Erma Bombeck

Wisdom

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

— Erma Bombeck

Wisdom

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

— Erma Bombeck

Wisdom

Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.

— Erma Bombeck

Success

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?

— Erma Bombeck

Success

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

— Erma Bombeck

Wisdom

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

— Erma Bombeck

Wisdom

It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.

— Erma Bombeck

Wisdom

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

— Erma Bombeck

Wisdom

When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.

— Erma Bombeck

Wisdom

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.

— Erma Bombeck

Life

I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'

— Erma Bombeck

Wisdom

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

— Erma Bombeck

Courage

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

— Erma Bombeck

Life

Children make your life important.

— Erma Bombeck

Life